To be happy, you must accept yourself for who you are. The trick is you have to first know who you are. Mahatma Gandhi, the great leader, said, “Truth is by nature self-evident. As soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surround it, it shines clear.” As you “remove the cobwebs of ignorance” around who you are and begin to see the truth of who you are, you will know happiness. But getting to know the truth of who you are is not always easy.
To know who you are requires that you stand in your own power. One way we give away our power to someone else is by asking the other to make our decisions. When we do this, we never have the opportunity to know what decisions we might make or what the outcome of those decisions might be. How can you ever learn to believe in and to trust yourself if you have no practice in making your own decisions? But here’s the catch.
To make a decision, you have to know what you want. A friend once told me that the difference between middle managers and high-level executives is the ability to make a decision rather than the quantity or quality of the decisions. Middle managers mull over decisions, trying to find the perfect answer; they become married to their decisions. High-level executives bring together the best of their knowledge and experience and make a decision. If it doesn’t work out, they make a different decision. What this all comes down to is trusting yourself and having the confidence that the decisions you make are good enough.
In a few paragraphs there is a process to reach happiness, but it will be difficult if you are a people pleaser, a person who never wants to make waves and will go out of their way to accommodate the other(s). People pleasers want to be liked and believe if they accommodate they will be. Unfortunately, the opposite usually happens. People tend to respect us more if we are able to express our desires honestly.
People who do not know what they want, or who always defer to others, put a terrible burden on the one who does have to make all the decisions. Happiness comes as we mature into the truth of who we are, which comes from knowing what we want and speaking our truth with grace. This does not mean we should never compromise. Certainly we should, but remember compromise comes through discussion, not dictation.
If you are in a relationship with someone who does not respect your decisions, take a closer look at the relationship. Is the other person a bully? Does he or she always have to be in control? Why are you in this relationship? Are you afraid to make your own decisions? Are you fearful of being who you truly are?
Today is the day you are going to begin to make your own decisions. Start small. Imagine you’re on a road trip with another when the two of you decide to stop and eat. The other asks you what you want, but you don’t want to look within and ask yourself that question, so you just say, “I don’t care. What do you want?” There are times it really doesn’t matter whether you go for a salad or a hamburger, and certainly there are times you need to compromise and go where the other wants. But if you are always letting the other make the decisions, you are staying in the middle management of your life instead of moving into the high executive position.
When you hear yourself saying—or even thinking—I don’t care. Stop! Take the time to look within and ask yourself what you do want. What does sound good to you? What do you really want in this moment?
When you can answer this question again and again, you will be ready to ask the big question: What is it I want for my life? Are you living your dream or the dream of the other? If you are living someone else’s dream, you will come to resent each other. You will resent the other for always making your decisions and the other will resent you for being forced to make your decisions.
Figuring out what you want—whether in the moment or for your life—takes time, energy, and courage. You need to constantly monitor yourself to learn what you do want. The more you learn about yourself, the more confidence and knowledge you will have to make your own decisions.
Yes there will be times you need to compromise. Just as there will be times you need to stand your ground. As you learn what your dream is, you may find it is different from the other’s and you need to stop and communicate your dream. You may find the other has been thinking he or she was living your dream, and maybe, just maybe the two of you together can create an even more magnificent dream. Or not. You may find you have totally different dreams for your lives, and that’s okay, because the tradeoff is that you will find something else that is magnificent.
What you will find is a beautiful, unique human being who has so much to give to the world. You will find this person because you have stopped asking the other what is right for your life and started standing in your own power.
Ask yourself what is right for your life. In listening to the answer, you will meet yourself. And in meeting the truth of who you are, you will find happiness.