We’ve all been there—someone says or does something that hurts our feelings—a look or word that tears into our self-esteem. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can be sensitive human beings and care what others think of us and still not get our feelings hurt all the time. In fact, always getting our feelings hurt may mean we are living in a state of self-absorbed sensitivity, which can cause people to feel they have to walk on eggshells around us. We end us keeping intimacy at arm’s length when in fact what most of us want is just the opposite. We want to be close to people and to be liked by others. So how do we let down those defenses and stop getting hurt by what others say or do?
Three ways to stop getting your feelings hurt are to consider the source, don’t take it personally, and believe in yourself. Let’s take a more in-depth look at each of these.
Consider the source
Suppose you are at a party, and you overhear two women talking about what a jerk that man in the blue shirt is. You’re wearing a blue shirt, so you think they are talking about you. You get your feelings hurt. What should you do? Should you confront them? Slither away in hopes they don’t see you? Or look around until you see another man in a blue shirt and assume they are talking about him? Actually, you don’t want to do any of these. Instead, you want to remember the old adage your mother always told you when you came home from school and one of your classmates had said something nasty about you: Consider the source. Wise mother.
Some people just like to talk about others and what they have to say may not be flattering. These people forgot what their mothers told them: If you can’t say something nice about a person, don’t say anything at all. Ignore them and remember this: When we are not engaged in the fullness of our own lives, we tend to see fault in the other.
But what if the source is a good friend or even your spouse? The same still holds true—consider the source. If the source is someone close to you, also consider the motive. Is he angry and just trying to blame you? Is she trying to change you into what she wants you to be? The source may have a hidden agenda that he or she isn’t even aware of. Whatever the case, remember: When we are not engaged in the fullness of our own lives, we tend to see fault in the other. Certainly there are good friends and spouses who have our best interest at heart, and to these people we should carefully listen. When we consider the source, we are able to determine if the other is truly trying to help us or acting out of their own agenda.
What if the source is in a position of authority, such as a boss or teacher? In a perfect world, all people are kind to and considerate of one another. Since we do not live in a perfect world, people in authority may be having a tough day or they may have issues in their lives that play out in their interactions with you. Again, consider the source, and you will be able to cut them some slack and compassion to see their point of view and stop getting your feelings hurt. And you just might learn something as well once you drop your defenses, which you can do when you no longer worry about getting hurt.
When you feel yourself getting your feelings hurt, stop for a moment and consider the source. You just might find the other person truly does have your best interest in mind. Or you might find the other person’s comments aren’t worth listening to. Either way, when you consider the source, you stop getting your feelings hurt.
Don’t take it personally
In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz advises, “Don’t take anything personally.” Master this advice and you’ll stop getting your feelings hurt. Ruiz writes, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”
Suppose you get your long hair cut. You feel confident and pretty, but when you get home the first thing your spouse says is, “What did you do to your hair?” This isn’t what you wanted to hear, so your feelings are hurt. But you can avoid hurt feelings by stepping back and, as Ruiz says, do not take the comment personally. Regardless of how close you are, you and your spouse live in different worlds. Perhaps in his world he equates the depth of your love for him with the length of your hair. If you take his comment personally, you’re apt to withdraw. If you don’t take the comment personally, you are able to avoid getting hurt and perhaps even opening a discussion between the two of you that takes you to a new level of communication and intimacy.
Believe in yourself
The third way to stop getting your feelings hurt is to believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself—truly believe in yourself—you are able to step back from what another says about, or to, you and evaluate the validity of the comment or action. Certainly, we all want to be liked by others, but if you believe in yourself, what another says will have less impact than if you are waiting for the world to approve of you.
Getting your feelings hurt by others is not a given in life, quite the opposite. If you just remember to consider the source, not take the other’s words or actions personally, and to believe in yourself, not only will you be able to stop getting your feelings hurt, but you will also find life is a whole lot sweeter and people are more fun to be with. And guess what? They are thinking the same about you!