Do you have a bully in your life? Someone who says and does things that are hurtful to you? Someone pushes you to your limits and causes you sleepless nights. Someone you may have even felt anger toward and you wish that he or she would just disappear from your life? Bullies, if we let them, cause us stress, which leads to unhappiness. Notice the words if we let them. Bullies are bullies and you aren’t going to change them, but you can change how you react to them and how they affect your life.
There are three types of bullies. One, the least dangerous of the three, is overt in name calling and pushing others around. The second type is much more dangerous because it’s more hidden, more sinister. This is the bully who pretends to be good to you, who smiles at you while engaging in name calling behind your back. And then there’s the third type of bully—and the most hurtful—who smiles and pretends to be your friend (or even someone who loves you, including a spouse), and then out of nowhere slams you for the slightest—and inappropriate— reason.
Recognize that all three bullies are coming from a place of wounding that actually has nothing to do with you. They are feeling their lives are out of control and it helps them to feel somewhat in control by thinking they can control you. These are not nice people. Wounded people who try to control others are people you do want to avoid if at all possible, but that is not always possible. So, what do you do?
First recognize the bully is a wounded person and you cannot heal their wound. Even if you could, the bully will resent you for trying. Their wound is their shield against their feelings. They are hiding behind their wound, in deep pain, but too afraid to give up their wound. What else would they have? They need to think they are in control of their lives all the while knowing their control is fake. The closer you come to penetrating into their world, or the more you see the truth of them, the more they will lash out.
Bullies are human beings. They are not evil; however, their deeds are evil. They are incapable of understanding how they cause havoc in the lives of others. The only responsibility they take for their actions is to find perverse pleasure in thinking they are justified in their actions, and you got what you deserved.
Do not take anything they say or do to you personally. This is difficult, but remember bullies are coming from their wounds, which has nothing to do with you. This is not to say they are allowed to cross your healthy boundaries. Absolutely not. It is to say to think about the battles—if any—you want to take on with a bully and choose wisely. Push back only when you think it is appropriate, and then do so with strength, but not in a personal way. They will hate you for winning, but they are also going to hate you for letting them push you around. So, choose wisely, but keep in mind that walking away from a bully is more honorable than engaging in what is a useless waste of energy. And keep reminding yourself to not take it personally.
Take a clue from the 1960s, 1967 to be exact, and zap ‘em with love. Zapping a bully with love is not meant to change them. They aren’t going to change their ways until they deal with their wound, but they may stop picking on you. Every time you think of the bully, simply say, “__Name__, I bless you and release you to
Spirit/God/Universe/Creator with love. Repeat this mantra until you feel you have released them in love. And repeat this mantra every time you think of, or see, the person.
Finally, begin writing and keep writing until you find the answer to these two questions:
- Why is this person in my life?
- What do I need to do to heal the pattern that brought a bully into my life?
As you change the pattern that brought the bully into your life, the bullying will cease. You may feel strong enough to leave the situation that puts you in the bully’s path, or the bully may leave your life. Concentrate on the healing, not on the how. Concentrate on creating a place in your life for kind, generous, supportive, loving people, and then open to receiving these people into your life.
You deserve happiness. Give it to yourself.