Have you ever had a conservation with someone, and you just wanted to walk away from them? It seemed no matter what you said you couldn’t see eye-to-eye. That person couldn’t understand what you were saying, and you couldn’t understand how that person could think like they do.
It happens to all of us, but what if instead of walking away from those we disagree with, we learn to communicate? What if we are able to understand why they think like the do. Notice, I said to “understand,” which does not mean we have to agree with their point of view.
Can we work through every issue with everyone? Of course not, and certainly there are times we need to part ways. But too often we pull away too quickly when we can find common ground.
It’s much more difficult to work through issues then it is to walk away. Working through issues requires that we keep talking;, that we listen, really listen with an open mind and open heart; that we respect one another as human beings; and that we work to understand what the other person is saying. This requires understanding of the source of our beliefs.
Our beliefs come from two sources:
- The way our brains are wired, and
- our environment.
We’re all a mixture of left brain and right brain, but for simplification, let’s say Person L is left-brain dominant and Person R is right-brain dominant. Those of us who are left-brain dominant tend to be more analytical and those of us who are more right-brain dominant are more creative and intuitive. We use both sides of our brain, so we’re oversimplifying here. But for the sake of making it easier to understand, let’s say—
Person L sees 2 + 2 and comes up with 4. Simple, right? Well, not so simple, because Person R sees the issue as a bit more complex. They want more explanation, which can irritate Person L because to them the issue is clear. And it frustrates Person R because they aren’t getting the information they need.
Let’s look at this differently. Person R sees 2 + 2 and may also come up with 4, but that won’t be all they see. Person R might look at the 4 and say, “Oh, look at that 4. Turn it upside down and move the slanted line a little and you have a chair. And look, what we can do with that curve on the 2. Let sit down here on that chair and curl up with the 2 and write a poem!”
By now Person L is totally lost and doesn’t understand why Person R person doesn’t see how simple this is. And Person R doesn’t understand why Person L is so lost since they gave them the whole story and then some.
They are both frustrated and getting angry. And communication is out the window.
Granted, this is a simplified example, yet it illustrates how the way our brains are wired affect how we think and process information.
We’re both right, but our brains hear and process information differently. But that’s not the only blockade to good communication. Our environment also affects our beliefs and how we communicate. Everything we’ve been exposed to since birth affects how we believe. We can even include before birth in the womb, in spirit world, and even past lives.
Think about this: I’m a white woman. How can I possibly understand how a black man feels when he’s pulled over by the police? How can I understand how a woman in a different culture feels? How can I feel how a man in a different environment feels?
How can I understand addiction if I’ve never been addicted? If I’m a Palestinian how can I understand a Jewish person? If I’m Ukrainian how can I love a Russian? How can I respect how anyone can vote for a candidate I think is wrong for the country I love?
As children we are raised in an environment that we carry with us. As we grow into adulthood we take that environment with us. The only way we expand from that environment is to expose ourselves to other environments, people, books, travel, even movies and TV.
If a mathematician stays hidden in the numbers they will never understand the poem or the poet. If the poet never ventures out of their safe haven they’ll never understand the mathematician. Maybe understanding is a reach. Maybe asking ourselves to love another is asking too much. Maybe even asking ourselves to love the spirit of the other is asking too much. But is it asking too much to simply respect the other as a human being? Is respecting another, even ones we disagree with, asking too much?
Years ago, when I wrote business articles for a newspaper, I interviewed a man who was starting up a new company. He said that he had to make this work because he knew the people who worked with him. He knew their first names. He knew their spouses’ names and how many children they had.
I didn’t quite understand the importance of what he was saying until he added that he had been an efficiency expert. He had traveled across the country going into large companies and cutting employees’ jobs in the name of efficiency. With great sadness he said, “They were just numbers to me, not real people.”
I ask you again, is it asking too much to simply respect the other as a human being? Is respecting another, even ones we disagree with, asking too much?
If I respect you I won’t drop bombs on you. If I respect you I’ll understand that we communicate differently, that our brains work differently, that we have different backgrounds, and I’ll do my best to hear you. If I respect you I’ll do my best to listen without judgement. If I respect you I won’t try to change you or fix you.
If I respect you as a human being I’ll agree to disagree and allow you to be you and me to be me. I won’t walk away, and I’ll keep my anger in check.
When we are upset or angry we can’t hear the other. If we recognize the other person is not able to hear us, we need to stop pushing our agenda. We need to just be present for ourselves and for the other.
We expect diplomats to work through differences. How are they any different from us as we work through an issue with a spouse or relative or friend or co-worker or neighbor or an enemy?
As humans we are all different. As souls we are all of the same Spirit. If we respect ourselves enough to respect the other person, maybe, just maybe we can hear them, really hear what they are saying. And maybe, just maybe they’ll hear us.
We may not agree but maybe, just maybe we’ll find common ground and our differences won’t seem so big and unsurmountable. And then maybe, just maybe countries will stop dropping bombs on each other and maybe, just maybe we’ll work through the issue with a spouse or a spouse or relative or friend or neighbor or co-worker or a political opponent.